Five Times
by Darling-please-do
Summary: Five times James Kirk nearly lost his first officer; and the one time he did.
1. 1

**This is based off of the episode "Spock's Brain." From the original series. Spock's brain is stolen and Kirk is determined to get it back.**

 **Enjoy**

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He only had twenty-four hours.

But even though that hard truth was daunting, it only did more to inspire Jim Kirk. If that was the time given then so be it, he would have to make do. At least he still had a chance, all he ever needed was a chance.

Someone had Spock's brain. They had boarded his ship unauthorized, violated his entire crew, and then they'd stolen his first officer's brain, and he was damn well going to get it back.

It didn't matter that the odds were against him, he'd faced dire situations before, for reasons lesser than this. If he didn't get Spock's brain back, Spock would die.

His first officer would cease to draw breath.

Unthinkable.

Kirk couldn't allow himself to fall into thoughts of such outcomes. The enterprise could not function without its science officer.

The captain himself couldn't survive without the Vulcan's steady logic and his gentle touch. He'd said so already, Spock made him believe in miracles.

Kirk was going to bring him home, and put him back into one piece again. Their future depended upon it.

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He was working off of a guess.

If Spock were here, actually at himself with his brain intact, the Vulcan would tell him of how illogical it was for him to make such a decisions on a gut feeling. They'd had the conversation before over more trivial subjects.

What he was doing now, guessing on Spoks life, had him so nervous he could hardly keep his hands from trembling. He needed his first officer now, ached for the reassurance and the knowledge that if he did make a mistake, there would be someone around to right his wrong. Spock never let him fall.

And here he was, gambling with the Vulcan's life.

There was nothing else to do though. He had no alternatives, and despite how many times he'd weighed all his options, the last of the three planets, M6, still stood out as the most possible to be harboring his science officer's brain.

So that would be his destination.

"Have the transporter room stand by. I'm taking a landing party down to planet six." He could feel eyes on him, it seemed everyone on the bridge was aware of what a risky gamble he was taking. For the most part they knew not to question him though, he'd gotten them through worse.

"Aye, aye, sir. "

Uhura immediately began carrying out his orders, but Sulu and Chekov were still staring at him, only pausing to give each other a shifty glance as though sharing thoughts.

"A hunch, Captain?" It was Sulu who finally spoke up, but everyone on the bridge seemed to be waiting with bated breath for his response.

"A hunch, Mister Sulu."

There was barely a pause then before Chekov was voicing everyone's concerns, even his own.

"What if you guess wrong, Captain?"

If he guessed wrong-

"If I guess wrong, Mister Spock is dead."

There would be no more playing chess or listening to Spock play his lyre. He would have no one to keep him and his wild ambitions in check, or give him the gentler scolding that Bones was incapable of. Spock made things easy for him to understand, the Vulcan knew how to explain things to him, or how to put him at ease despite the most miserable of circustances. Even now, all he wanted was Spock, the Vulcan's gentle touch and his strong logic.

" _Spock will die_."

He had to guess right. To even think he may guess wrong had his entire stomach twisting into knots. If he was wrong, he may become so ill he could no longer captain his ship.

Spock had to come home.

Kirk was left hoping to whatever God or entity listening that he had made the right choice.

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"Facinating, activety without end, but with no violation."

That voice-

Kirk would know that sound anywhere. Low, rumbling, steady and so characteristically _Spock_.

"Spock, is that you?" Jim found himself moving closer to the first officer's body, even while knowing Spock wasnt truly there, it did his heart good to hear the Vulcan's voice and still look into his face.

It gave him hope.

"Captain? Captain Kirk? "

After arriving at this near wasteland of a planet, he'd almost been convinced that his guess had been wrong, that he'd lost his chance of seeing Spock's eyes alight with life again-

But then they had found proof of higher life, made it down into an underground world completely separate and more advanced than anything else on the planet. They found the girl, Luma.

She had been of no help, but they had gotten this far, close enough that they'd managed to get a transmission from Spock on the communicator.

 _He'd made the right call._

If not for all his years of training, Kirk may have gone weak in the knees at the relief that flooded him.

"Yes, Spock. Yes." Kirks voice seemed to be nearing desperation as he looked into the blank face of his first officer and friend, the man who knew him better than anyone else in the universe-

 _His T'hy'la._

They had been forced to take Spock's body along to save time once they found his brain. Everyone on the landing crew seemed to be wary of the Vulcan's now zombie-like body, everyone but Kirk. The captain knew what it was to love that body, worship it as some worshiped gods. Even though his Spock was not there, he could never look at the mans face with anything other than unbridled adoration.

Now was no different.

"Captain, there is a definite pleasurable experience connected with the hearing of your voice."

Kirk couldn't contain his smile as Spock's voice crackled through the communicator. To others it sounded odd, but Jim knew that this was merely how his first officer said 'I missed you.'

God, how good it was to hear.

"Where are you, Spock? " Mccoy was interjecting then, reminding him that he only had so much time to reclaim his science officer's brain before it would all be in vain.

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"Well?"

Kirk was anxiously pacing around his chief medical officer as the man let out a hopeless string of profanities. They had managed to find where the Imorges were holding Spock's brain, and they'd even managed to find a strange piece of technology that granted the user three hours of unrestricted knowledge. Mccoy had taken his chances under the alien machinery, knowing it was their only hopes in restoring Spock's brain back into his body. It had started off well, with their good doctor muttering off medical epiphanies while his hands worked at near inhuman speed. Now though, their three hours were up and it seemed Mccoy's well of knowledge had run dry.

He'd run out of options, nowhere else to turn.

"He's dying, and I can't stop it."

 _He's dying._

The words impacted Kirk in a way that was akin to a physical blow. He felt stricken, his entire body aching now because of the sheer panic bubbling up in his chest. This whole time, he'd held out hope. Not for one second had he given up on Spock, entertained thoughts that he may truly lose his frist officer.

Suddenly it was hard for Jim to draw breath, his eyes wide with grief as he stared down into the Vulcan's face. He couldn't imagine a day passing without seeing one of those elegant eyebrows cocked against one of his decisions.

 _ **Spock**_ **.**

It seemed as though he was the only one who could help them now, but he himself was the one in most dire need. It was hard for Kirk to trust Mccoy now that he was drawing from his own medical knowledge in a lest ditch effort to finish reconnecting Spock's brain. He'd always had the utmost trust in his Chief medical officers skill, but this was a procedure that had never been done before in their part of the universe. How was he to feel at ease trusting Spocks life- the most important life in the world in Jim Kirks mind- to a doctor who had no clue what he was doing?

In one last attempt to save Spock's life, Kirk had ordered that Mccoy give full attention to reconnecting the vulcan's vocal chords. It was done in a desperate hope that if they could make it that far, Spock may be able to help guide them through it.

Jim was almost been convinced he failed, but then-

"Yes. Doctor Mccoy?"

Kirk nearly caused his neck to snap with how quickly he was turning to look at his first officer. The Vulcan's voice had been a harsh croak, but it had still sounded and that had been enough to have Jim's heart lodged into his throat.

"Spock?" Mccoy was the one to finally answer, realizing grimly that his captain was, for the moment, too emotionally overwhelmed to speak. The man was staring down at Spock with a near glistening blue gaze.

"If you will finish reconnecting my speech centre, I might be able to help."

Thats all it took. Spock managed to walk Mccoy through an entire surgery, aiding in saving his own life as though it were some casual affair- and Jim Kirk wasn't standing just beside him, grasping his hand with trembling fingers.

It made all of the knots twisting his stomach and the anxiety fluttering his chest seem unnecessary, as though he'd been ridiculous for worrying in the first place. Nothing could keep him away from his first officer. He had made it plain that he would travel across the universe to bring the Vulcan home.

"I'll never live this down. This Vulcan is telling me how to operate. " Kirk distantly noted Mccoy's grouchy comments, but for the moment he was content with hold Spock's hand, and watching intently as the Vulcan flexed all of his limbs, slowly assuring himself and his captain that he was going to be whole once more.

They'd made it.

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"Closed."

"Well?"

Despite having watched the surgery himself, Kirk still felt a lurch of fear as Mccoy announced he'd finished. This moment would make or break him. He would have his first officer back or he would know, without a doubt, that he had failed.

"How do I know?" Mccoy was nearly at the point of snapping. He too had been put under tremendous stress after finding out they may lose Spock, and then he'd under gone the use of an alien machine in order to gain the knowledge to fix things. Even now, he was so nervous he could hardly stand himself. "I could have made a thousand mistakes. Sealing nerve endings, joining ganglia. The fluid balance is correct, but I don't know."

Lucky for him, Spock didn't make them wait long to test how the procedure went. Before Mccoy could move around to stop him, the Vulcan bastard was sitting himself up and glancing around at the lot of them, aware and alert as ever, and even seeing as though ready to go into one of his unneeded speeches of how fascinating this all was.

But at least he was acting like himself, seeing and breathing and just so _Spock_.

"Congratulations, Doctor. And thank you. " If Mccoy didn't know any better, he'd think that was a subtle smile he'd seen tugging at the corners of the Vulcan's lips. He had been ready to comment on what an honor it was to get some actual gratitude out of the hobgoblin bastard, but before he had a chance the captain was cutting in.

"How do you feel, Spock?"

Kirk, much to Mccoy's surprise, had made no further movements towards Spock. Instead their captain was leaning against the medical equipment he'd been using to aid in surgery. The man was resting with his elbow propped up and a hand covering his mouth. Despite his lack of movement though, his eyes had yet to leave his first officer. Spock seemed oblivious to the captain's emotional distress. The Vulcan was gazing about the room almost as if in awe, something he'd surely object to if mentioned.

"On the whole, Captain, I believe I am quite fit. Fascinating. A remarkable example of a retrograde civilisation."

Kirk was staring without shame, thinking of how grateful he was to hear his first officer droning on about his facination with everything he'd found. Spock truly was unaware of what a toll this entire experience had taken on him. Kirk had nearly lost his better half, and now he was simply basking in the Vulcan's presence.

"At the peak, advanced beyond any of our capabilities and now operating at this primitive level which you saw. And it all began thousands of years ago when a glacial age reoccurred. This underground complex was developed for the women. The men remained above, and a male-female schism took place. A fascinating cultural development of a kind which never-"

"I knew it was wrong. I shouldn't have done it."

Mccoy finally heaved a near agitated sigh, yet his blue eyes were soft when he looked to Spock. He too had nearly lost the Vulcan, been forced to consider a life where he had no one to tease and throw banter off of. It was a relief now to have that comfort.

"What's that?" Kirk had finally tore his gaze away from Spock in order to glance up at their good doctor, doing his best to quell the alarm that had spiked in his chest at the mans words.

" I should have never reconnected his mouth."

Relief, it flooded Kirk like a breath of fresh air. Mccoy was already back to his normal snarky comments, and Spock, without missing a beat, had in turned arched one of his perfectly shaped eyebrows.

Everything was as it should be in the world, and Jim finally felt stable enough to move forward and take his place on the bed beside Spock, one of his arms winding around the Vulcan's shoulders even as he turned to finish his speech.

He was home.

They were going home.

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 **Reviews are appreciated**


	2. 2

**This is a take on the episode "A private little war." In the Original series. Spock is shot while he and Kirk are fleeing from primative humanoids.**

 **Enjoy**

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It had been an intimate mission.

Spock reminded him time and time again that the prime directive stated there was to be no interference with the planets, but on this certain planet he had a personal stake. He had lived on Neural for a time, with one of his closest friends on a cultural survey mission. That friend, Tyree, had decided to stay with the primitive humanoid natives of the planet.

Stopping there had merely been a way to check in on the people and see how they had evolved over time, but when they got there-

When they got there...

The natives had succumbed to the cancer of war that plagued so many. It seemed as though Tyree had become leader of the hill people, the natives he himself had known when living in on the planet. But their opponents, the village-dwellers had somehow developed more advanced weaponry, flintlock rifles and ammunition that was far beyond their skill level.

Spock had reminded him of the prime directive but he'd ignored it being someone had clearly already interfered.

Kirk and his first officer had left Mccoy in order to scour the land, only to come upon a team of hill people being lead by his friend, and a small group of armed village-dwellers surrounding them and preparing to take aim.

Jim did not consider the consequences of his actions then. He forgot all the times Spock had told him of their prime directive. His friend was in danger, so he'd reacted the only way he knew how-

He intervened in order to protect Tyree.

It was merely a rock he threw. Not big enough to really hurt anyone, and aimed only to capture the gunman's attention.

 _Harmless_.

But somehow, it had still been so **deadly**.

Kirk got the attention he wanted, but he hadn't really expected the village-dwellers to turn their firearms on Spock and himself.

He'd still thought they would make it out okay though. They'd been through harsh situations before and they'd always made it out somehow. Kirk wasn't even stunted when he heard the gunfire. They'd been blasted at before, no big deal.

It wasn't until he'd heard the sickening thump of a body meeting earth that Kirk turned, and for the first time realized that maybe he'd really fucked up.

His first officer had been shot.

 _Spock was shot._

Kirk nearly tripped over himself in his haste to reach his first officer, breath coming to catch in his throat as he attempted to speak the Vulcan's name, hands trembling as he took in the green seeping through the front of Spock's science officer blue uniform. He found himself cradling the Vulcan against his chest then, his heart lurching forward as he felt the warmth of blood slicking his skin.

It was all happening so fast-

Everything was green, Spock was bleeding so quickly that Kirk felt himself teetering on the edge of panic. It was rare he felt this way, not even when the enterprise herself was in danger did his heart race like this. Only Spock had ever put him in such a state.

Only his first officer could ever make him feel so intensely, and Jim could be losing him-

 _Fuck_

And the natives were still closing in on them. Kirk found himself grasping for Spock's phaser in his panic. He was never one to fire on another being unless it was his absolute and only option. To him this was one of those times. Even if they halted fire, they'd still be slowing im from getting Spock the help he needed in order to survive. His first officers life came before theirs.

They had to be dealt with if he was going to have a chance at getting Spock back home to the enterprise.

Kirk was raising his phaser, preparing to aim when he felt blood slickened fingers curling on his wrist.

"No captain, I can travel."

The Vulcan had him caught with a gentle stare, his eyes dark and wide-

So human it nearly broke Jim's heart. Anyone else would have let him shoot, but this was his Vulcan first officer, a man who put everyone and everything over his own well being. He was always trying to avoid violence, find the most logical decisions to save the most lives.

He wouldn't shoot-

But he'd be damned if he was going to lose Spock.

Without another word Kirk was gathering the Vulcan into his arms, hoisting the man up and shouldering all of his weight in an attempt to lessen his hurt, even if just by a little bit as they barreled back towards Mccoy. The doctor seemed to have been waiting on them, thank god. Bones liked to bitch and moan but it was obvious he cared a great deal for their safety, even Spock's despite their constant bickering. He'd heard gunfire and he'd been ready when they finally reached him. Kirk only had time to mutter out a soft and clipped, "Hurry." before they were being consumed and regenerated by the transporter.

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And now he was waiting, left outside Mccoy's medbay where he could hear the man barking orders and muttering soft profanities. Once they'd materialized on the transporter pad, it became clear that Mccoy had infact already made plans to have Spock cared for, a gesture and act of quick thinking that nearly brought tears to Kirk's eyes with the relief that flooded him. That feeling was to be short lived though. It immediately became apparent as Spock was laid down that the wounds were severe. He was already being crowded by medical staff, and Mccoy hadnt so much as taken a breath before diving in to examine the injury and assert orders to his assistants.

"Lucky his heart is where his liver should be or he'd be dead now."

Mccoy's words were still ringing in his ears. Spock was living for now, but their good doctor had run out of options. Now it was up to the Vulcan and his special physiology to decide if he would pull through or not. It was easy to trust the Vulcan ways when he had Spock there to help him understand them, but now, with his first officers life hanging in the balance, it was hard to think they could ever be sufficient. If he had simply stayed out of it, none of this would have happened. Maybe Tyree would have been able to deal with the village-dwellers on his own, without Kirk's interference.

What if his carelessness wound up costing Spock his life? What if it lost him every hope of a future he ever had? He could not function as a captain without his first officer at his side. And even after they'd left the bridge, Spock was the only thing that held him together some nights after he'd been forced to make a particularly hard call. The Vulcan had slowly become everything, his heart and soul, more important even than the enterprise herself.

Spock had to _live_.

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"Jim, you can come and see him now if you'd like." Mccoy was standing over him, his fingers gentle on Kirk's shoulder despite the normal gruffness in his voice. "It looks like he's gonna pull through it, this time. But dammit you two! If you keep going the way you're going, there is going to come a day when the good doctor won't be able to do anything to patch you up." Jim understood that this harsh scolding was a product of Mccoy's concern for his friend. No matter how their relationship seemed, Kirk knew without a doubt that they'd be lost without each other. Their constant bickering had slowly become some sort of game or sport for them, a way to relieve stress sometimes. It seemed as though Mccoy was suffering just as he had been, his hands still colored green in some places with drying and caked on blood.

"Yeah Bones, I know. I know, believe me..." He'd spent this entire time thinking of what he'd do if Spock didn't pull through this. "I just want to go see him." He needed to see that the Vulcan was still breathing, know that if he touched Spock his hands would still hold warmth.

Mccoy lead him into medbay.

The beeping of the vitals machine was the first thing that invaded Kirk's senses. The man had nearly hesitated in the doorway, but he was driven forward by that steady sound. It meant that no matter how bad things might look, his first officer was still drawing breath and for now that was enough. They hadn't lost yet.

" _Spock_..."

Mccoy had blankets drawn up to the Vulcan's chest, but his cheeks were still paled with blood loss, clammy and tinted green with fatigue. It was gut wrenching compared to his strong and steady first officer.

Jim had done this to him-

He'd caused the natives to shoot-

It was his fault-

"Jim?"

The captain was pulled from he self loathing by the gentle calling of his name. When he looked to his first officer's face again, he found a pair of large brown eyes staring back at him, just as bright and full as adoration as ever, despite how illogical it may be for a vulcan of his standing to harbor such intense feelings for a creature such as himself.

"Yes Spock, I'm here." Kirk was at his side then, his fingers tenderly grasping at Spock's hand. He was slightly alarmed with how cold they were, but it only took a moment for his first officer to remind him it was simply a side effect of all the blood he'd lost. Spock promised it would improve-

But Jim was pulling his hands up anyways, bringing them to his lips and gently huffing warm breaths against the Vulcan's fingers.

They still had a long way to go, but in that moment, all was right in the world.

Spock gave him hope.

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 **Reviews are appreciated**


	3. 3

**Based off the original series episode "The Apple." In which Spock pushes Kirk out of danger from a poisonous flower and takes the damages himself.**

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A true and actual Eden-

Bullshit.

Kirk was cursing himself and everything else as he cradled Spock against his chest. They had landed on this god forsaken planet with the hopes of discovering a new and livable atmosphere, and possibility the humanoid species that dwelled there. His gut had told him immediately though upon transportation that this had been a bad idea. Omicron Ceti III was too perfect, it left Kirk with wariness weighing on his shoulders. As if to confirm his thoughts he'd already lost one crewman to some sort of poisonous flower.

Beautiful and bright-

But deadly with hollow needles meant to kill, destroy.

This place was a nightmare.

Someone had begun following them after the crewman was lost, but still he had made the foolish decision to move forward with their exploration of the planet. He'd been curious to see whom or what it might be following his landing crew, he'd wanted answers-

 _But at what cost?_

This was definitely not worth it, Kirk had never imagined he'd be left clutching his first officer against his chest and watching as Mccoy struggled with deciding on a course of action to be taken in removing these foreign objects. Dammit this was his fault.

He'd still been looking at the foliage with Mccoy, unaware of he danger that had been staring him in the face.

Jim hadn't realized anything was wrong until he heard the alarmed ring of his name. It wasn't often Spock's voice ever bared so much emotion, it had caught his attention immediately. He was glancing over just in time to see the Vulcan barreling towards him, his grip almost rough as he shoved Kirk and Mccoy away.

The captain had a reprimand on his tongue, the anger surfacing to hide his fear. No words left him though. Jim Kirk turned and before he could manage to speak he noticed the insidious darts staring back at him from their place embedded inside Spock's chest.

" _Spock_!"

Fear sprung up in him like an unchecked wildfire, his entire chest seeming to spasm with the panic that met him. He was at Spock's side before the Vulcan ever had a chance to drop. Mccoy was there too, hovering over their science officer in an attempt to see what could be done.

By the time Mccoy had anything to say, Kirk had already put his landing crew on security alert and ordering the transporter room to stand by.

"I filled him with enough masiform D to make the whole crew turn handsprings, and he's not responding. Got to get him back to the ship, Jim. "

Kirk tried that.

Scotty tried for him-

But the transporter was not responding. There was nothing the ship could do for Spock at this time.

They were alone, stranded-

To calm himself Kirk had began softly counting all the things in his life that had gone right, hoping that maybe all that good together may be enough to quell this panic erupting in his chest.

He thought things like-

How good Spock was at chess, and how he himself was the only one able to beat the Vulcan and cause those elegant eyebrows to draw together in frustration.

The way Spock's fingers looked while gracefully dancing over the strings of his Vulcan lyre. How sometimes, in the dark of his quarters, Kirk could almost see a smile fluttering across his face.

Jim thought of his time on the bridge, how everything was made complete by Spock's presence at his side.

So much happiness welled in his chest at those memories, but they were still not strong enough to make him forget his current misery, the weight of his first officer's body lying limply in his arms. Jim was in love with him. They had a connection unlike anything else he'd ever shared with another soul.

And Spock, despite his strange Vulcan customs loved him back. Obviously loved him more than his own life.

That was possibly the worst part. Spock loved him so much more than his own life. Kirk could feel it through their bond. The Vulcan had not done this sensing it was his duty, this had been for Jim and Jim alone.

It made the man furious.

There were so many ways Spock could have gotten his attention without putting himself in harms way. Spock didn't have to be hurt this always thought he was thinking so logically but this was ridiculous, this was-

"Captain, are you alright?"

Jim was jerked from his thoughts by the gentle caress of fingertips against the back of his hand. When he looked down, those large Doe eyes were open, meeting him with a tender gaze. "Your concern is appreciated but quite unnecessary."

"Spock! You- You're alright!" Kirk let out a clipped gasp, his entire body feeling as though a weight had been lifted as his first officer shifted in his arms. Spock's face was even regaining color, it was a green tint but for a Vulcan it was healthy and it made Kirk's heart race.

In these moments, he'd never been more grateful for the Vulcan's special immune system. Anyone else would have _died_.

"Obviously. Doctor McCoy's potion is acting like all his potions, turning my stomach. Other than that, I am quite well. " To hear Spock tell it, Jim's worry had been unwarranted

"Just what do you think you were trying to do?" Kirk was gently tugging at the Vulcan's hand, his voice harder now, commanding and demanding attention. He was acting as captain now, but only because the pain was too real personally for him to speak of right now, the fear still too fresh in his heart. Later, when they were alone, he would make sure Spock understood how badly this experience had done him.

" I surmised you were unaware of that plant, so I-"

" Stepped in front and took the thorns yourself?" There was a slight bite to Kirk's words, but they were spoken with a harsh protectiveness. The real conversation could wait for later, but even now he had to let his first officer know that this was not okay. To sacrifice himself for anything was _never_ okay.

" I assure you, Captain, I had no intention of doing that. It was merely my own clumsiness prevented me which prevented me from moving out of the way." Spock was rattling off excuses as though that made his actions anymore logical.

"I see. Well next time, just yell. I can step out of the way as quickly as the next man."

In these times Jim was almost compelled to agree with Bones. Spock was a hard-headed pointy eared bastard.

But Jim loved his ears.

And usually he adored the Vulcans stubborn streak, but today was not a time for that. Today that stubbornness had nearly lost him his best friend, first officer, late night chest buddy...

He'd almost lost the greatest love of his life, possibly the greatest in all the universe.

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 **Reviews are appreciated**


	4. 4

**This one is a take on the original series episode "The Immunity Syndrome." In which an unknown energy draining lifeform is threatening the Enterprise and Kirk is forced to send Spock out in a shuttcraft in order to find some way to save their ship.**

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It was killing James Kirk to be without his first officer.

 _Every memory-_

Playing chess for long hours, watching with bright eyes as Spock's eyebrows indicated the slightest bit of irritation as Jim once more called 'check mate.'

 _Every word-_

"Captain, you should know by this time that my physical lack of showing emotion does not mean I do not feel, especially for you."

"Captain, welcome abroad."

"T'hy'la."

So many times the Vulcan had hinted at loving him, and he himself hinting back but never quite saying what he should have.

 _Every thought-_

Ideas of what their future would be like, how they would grow old on the bridge of the Enterprise, together. And even when it was time for them to retire, if he ever made it that far, they would find some way to still be together. To live apart was not an option.

Now all of those thoughts seemed fleeting, lost in the grief of having to send Spock of to what was certain to be a death mission.

 _Every feeling-_

What it was like to feel the comfort in knowing that Spock was always at his side, keeping him level and balanced. The way his chest would warm at the slighted rise in the Vulcan's eyebrow. He'd taken delight in being the only one able to read all of Spock's expressions, know how the man was feeling just by the subtle movements of his face.

He couldnt handle missing Spock. To go on like this was impossible. More than anything now he needed the Vulcan's ability to make him forget. Jim Kirk was craving the sight of his first officers gentle eyes and his steady logic, everything about him-

And he was sitting under the heavy weight of knowing he was the one to send the Vulcan to his death.

Was being the captain of a starship truly worth this agonizing guilt?

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"You're back, Spock! You made it back!" He'd heard from Scotty already that they had managed to bring the shuttlecraft back abroad with its passenger still intact, but Jim would not allow himself to get his hopes up until he was actually able to set eyes on his first officer, touch him and know without a doubt that this was no dream.

Spock had made it home, back to the Enterprise.

Back to _him_.

"Yes Captain, quite an illogical statement as you can see I am here, abroad the enterprise-" The Vulcan's words died on his lips as he was enveloped by a pair of strong but trembling arms. It only dawned on him then that Kirk had already thought him dead and began the grieving process. To say the least, the sight of his captain slack jawed with glimmering blue tides in his eyes was an endearing and heart warming one.

He was grateful to have made it back, to expierce such warmth again.

To have been able to see Jim Kirk's smile of triumpth and know he was the one to put it there.

"Spock, I thought you'd-" Jim was silenced by the feeling of the Vulcan's fingertips caressing against the back of his hand, the simple touch soothing enough to quell all of his fears. They needed no more words to express their feelings, how blissful it was to know that those moments alone in his quarters before the Vulcan had set off were not to be their last.

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Reviews are appreciated


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